Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
