life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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