I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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