I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
