when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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