I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I have already put on my inside pants.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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