I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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