At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
