I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
