She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
