you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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