she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
