is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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