If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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