Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
