it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
