He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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