my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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