guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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