I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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