i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
