I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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