We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
my liver is dry heaving
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
