So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
