Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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