I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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