isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
