He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
