i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
