I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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