Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
