I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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