I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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