Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
