I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
