i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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