They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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