I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
