Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How external is "for external use only"?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
