You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Send help, water and tortillas.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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