My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
