i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
