Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
