Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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