operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
