i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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