new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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