How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
