Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
