You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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